If I was safe

If I was safe

I would go out for walks in the middle of the

night just to enjoy the peace and the beauty 

of the night sky

If I was safe

I would go out wearing whatever I want,

wearing revealing clothes because I wouldn't

be worried about being assaulted and then

victim blamed for it

If I was safe

I would go on a first date for a walk

somewhere beautiful in nature where there

aren't other people around

If I was safe

I would leave the house alone without 

my phone

If I was safe

I would say thank you and accept the offer 

when a man I don't know offers to buy me 

a drink in a club

If I was safe

I would enjoy walking home at night instead of spending

the whole time just hoping I 

get home alive and safe

If I was safe

I wouldn't feel the fear rise in my chest when I walk past

a group of men in the street

If I was safe

Talking with men on dating apps would be fun 

because I wouldn't be analyzing fearfully

to see if they're safe and genuine

If I was safe

I would have so much more joy and freedom

and confidence and peace in the world

A Rush of Green

 I thought that I could never trade my blue for green

That the ripple of the sea could never be

surpassed by the rustle of the leaves

But what I didn't realise

Is that you can bathe in the forest 

Like you can bathe in the ocean,

That a rush of green can be as soothing 

As the rush of blue waves,

That you can be cleansed and protected by 

The branches embrace,

Warm and wise, nurturing and strong

Hovering over in earnest generosity,

Just as you can be comforted by the 

vastness of the brilliant blue ocean...

You can be immersed in the sea of grass,

In the endless stretching of fields and hills,

As wide and as wavering as the expansive 

blue ocean, rippling endlessly with infinite

beauty

I went to the sea and it wasn't the same

There's a country that hangs in my heart

A country that I mourn for, long for,

that I weep for,

A country that I still call home.

And the country I once called home,

although it never really felt like one,

feels more alien to me now than ever.

The sound of English accents around me

seem cold and unfamiliar,

like distant echoes 

ringing in my ears.

The affluence, the feeling of

rigidity,

the sense of conformity,

in one form or other,

The bohemians with their vans

living for the aesthetic and

the sense of personal freedom,

amidst this feeling of idyllic suffocation.

So contrasting to the wildness,

the mysterious magnificence of the hills and mountains

that awoke a rawness within,

The warmth of the people,

The sound of the Welsh language,

the beauty of their history and heritage,

The aliveness,

the togetherness,

the feeling that people cared

about the important things,

And cared nothing for the fashion, trends,

image and individualism.

True freedom,

and the rush of the roaring waves,

The unapologetic storms and gales,

the sound of fiddles, banjoes and harps

on the streets and in the pubs,

the ancientness,

The passion of a place that refused to be quiet

with its beauty,

A place so small yet so powerful,

It could latch onto your heart

and never let you go.

It could make you dream of it,

long for it,

long to be home.

Naked and Free

I wanted to hold you,
In the darkness,
In the light
In the shadows of your past
Not in the newness
But the comfort of knowing you

I wanted to be naked with you,
Inside and out,
With our guts sprawled across the table
Our fleshy wounds clear to be seen
Red and raw and open
Bleeding freely,
Surrendered,
Because there is no other way
In love.

Soft

I have to be soft with myself today, or I might
break
I will softly caress the curves of my heart,
And gently remember the truth of my soul,
So I don't break

I will whisper 'I love you' to myself
And 'I am here'
So that I can carefully fill the void that I often seek others to,
So I won't break

I will remind myself of my strength
And the way I have grown from the ashes
So many times before
New, and stronger
With scars but with a fierce heart

Humanity's Dark Side

Hidden between the skeleton
Branches of the trees
There are secrets that linger beneath
Our knees
A tunnel of mirrors
Leading to infinite worlds
Where dark thoughts unfold
And rotten things unfurl

There are those who are lost
In the black of the abyss
Wondering what happened to
Light, innocence, the purity of a kind
Untainted by the horrors
Of humanity's dark side

Two Worlds

There are two worlds
Which sometimes collide
In a moment

The ugly, dark, mysterious
Ridden with disease
And rotten corruption

And the beautiful,
The pure, angelic
The bright sunlight in the morning
Or the innocence of a child
The sweetness of a delicious fruit
Or a genuine joyous smile

Can they both be real at once?

When you lift the veil, is one the true reality?

Or is the truth the one you choose to see?

Starling Cloud (We Gather to watch them Together)

Their wings spread, making beautiful shapes

As we gather to watch them together

We gather to watch them disperse

and reverse

Under and over the pier

In and out of our hearts

We gather to watch them make beauty with 

their wings,

To listen to nature sing

We gather to watch them come together,

All of us bound by the sea

Safe between their wings

We gather to watch them transform

and reform

Again and Again

With each movement

They shimmer,

Ripple and flicker

Each time unique

The patterns of our days and afternoons

The rolling of the waves

The rhythm of our days

Defined by these movements

Unique but the same

As the world goes around and around

In this tiny, ancient seaside town

Distant Lover

My love for you
Reaches over the mountains
Through the valleys
Over the waters
And into your heart.

No distance can come between us,
We are connected through this
Invisible force,
A feeling that pervades my being
A warmth and intensity within my soul

Ode to the Sea

I need you, sea.

I need your sound
To sooth me

I need your sight
To amaze me

I need your ferociousness
To remind me
To be ferocious

I need your softness
To remind me
To stay soft

I need your wildness
To remind me
To be free

I need your blueness
To calm my mind

I need your vastness
To remind me
How small my worries are
In the grand scheme
Of your epic beauty

I need your pure energy
To heal my heart and body
Cleanse my mind and soul
And take me home

I need you, sea

Moving to the City is...

I grew up in a village in the Cotwolds, surrounded by hills and fields. Then I went to University in a small town by the sea, also surrounded by hills and fields. Needless to say, I'd never experienced living in the city until recently after I graduated.
So I thought I'd write a post about my first experience living in the city as a countryside girl.

Moving to the city is...

Learning to cross the road.
It seems like it should be pretty simple. But when you move to the city you realise there's an certain art to crossing roads.
There are those moments when you're waiting at the crossing and for a moment there are no cars, yet you still wait. I'm stood there thinking, 'the green man hasn't appeared, but technically I can cross....Should I risk it for a chocolate biscuit? What's even stopping me?' Then someone comes along (a long term city-dweller you'd assume) and walks over confidently. So then I follow in a hurried and nervous way. It's pretty hilarious when you realise most people do this. Crossing roads is really quite a collaborative process in the city, even between strangers. A couple of months later though, I even went so far as to cross over before I even got to a crossing...Crazy.

Getting used to the noise.
I say 'getting used to it', but the truth is, I don't think I ever will.
One thing that continues to perplex and overwhelm me is the sheer amount of noise a city can produce. One minute it's a siren, the next it's construction work, or a baby crying in the distance, and of course the constant hum of traffic which persists in the background almost wherever you may be. I think I preferred the perpetual sound of seagulls, to say the least.

Realising that a place feels smaller once you know your way around.
Cardiff is a small city. But when I moved here, I was like WOAH. I couldn't believe how endless the streets were, interweaving one another and always leading to more and more shops. But once I started to become familar with the area, I memorised the different routes between places, and suddenly the city started to shrink. A 20 minute walk to the centre really isn't that far.

Getting really strong legs.
If you're like me and you like to save money and be healthy, you'll walk wherever you can in the city. When I say 'can', I mean I'll happily walk somewhere that's under an hour away. I've gotta say, I feel pretty physically healthy compared to when I could walk 2 minutes to get to the nearest shop or someone's house.

Experiencing unexpected isolation.
There's something very lonely about living in a city, especially when you're an introvert. Seeing hundreds of different strangers every day certainly takes some getting used to. When you grow up in the countryside, you usually see the same strangers again and again. You often eventually become familiar with the people who pass you by. It's a close community. But being surrounded by thousands of people you'll most likely never see again, let alone speak to, can make you feel pretty lonely. It's especially important to find some form of community if you live in the city.

Commercialism....Everywhere.
It seems obvious, but the city is full of commercialism. There are shops everywhere I go. There are endless billboards and adverts. Almost everything is telling me to consume. Something, anything. Whether it be TV, food, clothes, social media, the world around me is suddenly subtly hinting at me to consume. And it kind of leaves you feeling more...empty, than anything. I can't say a walk in the woods ever had a similar effect.

Getting used the lack of nature.
I still wake up every day thinking 'why can't I hear any birds?' It's hard to get used to being surrounded by concrete, and the only green spots being parks. In the centre of Cardiff there's Bute Park and it's vast and beautiful. But you can still hear traffic and sirens, and there are people everywhere. Having grown up in the countryside, it doesn't quite match the sheer wildness and the peaceful solitude of pure nature.

A KFC Plastic Cup

Walking down the street I hear a crack and a crunch.
Plastic, of course.
I look back and it's a bike that has run over
A KFC plastic cup.
Then I look up
To glance at a tree for good luck.
Funnily enough, the tree is kindly decorated
With swaying bags in the wind,
Like streamers at a party
For the grand celebration of our success.
They're made of plastic, of course.

I walk with frustration now,
My head hanging down.
It's a sorrowful time,
A fearful one.
Who knows how many moments we have left.
I guess I won't have children.
I guess it might all end soon.
As if I needed anything else to take away my motivation
Because what is it all for now?
What was it all for?
Was it worth it?
That beef burger you bought at the store?
Or that little bit longer it would have taken for you to put the plastic in the recycling
Or not buy plastic at all?
And was it worth it for the corporations
To make all this money and make nice things
That we want but don't need
Because life's such a bore
We need MORE MORE MORE.

But what is it all for?
If I won't get to hold my baby in my arms
And take her to her first day of school
And feel a love so strong I could only imagine
Because I'm not sure if there's a future here for her
And the future I imagined when I was a little girl
Shattered with the years of destruction.
It was a hot summer this year, how nice for us
But it was laced with fear
A bittersweet taste of the damage we've done.

I guess I won't have children.
I guess it might all end soon.

You might say I'm being dramatic,
But the evidence is right before us.
The bees are endangered.
The icecaps are melting.
The coral reef is dying.
The ocean is filled with litter.
Sea levels are rising.
And yet still some deny it,
And it's the denial that feeds it
What was it all for?
Was it worth it?